I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
