Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
