are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My vagina just recognized that song.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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