Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
