i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
