if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
