dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
