Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
