Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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