I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
