Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
