Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
