No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
