let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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