new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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