Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
