Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
