I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
