I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
