i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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