I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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