$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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