I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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