I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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