So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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