At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
