do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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