Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
