After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
