look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
