i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
