Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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