I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
