You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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