what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
