if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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