the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
