There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
