If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
