you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
