Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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