He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
