My Higher Power is John Stamos
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
