Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Randomize
