i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
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