I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
