i just made my gag reflex go away.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
