I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
