I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
