I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
